Love stories without a happy ending

i. She loved him, and then she hated him. And that's how she knows she'll never forget him.

ii. As he breathes in the new perfume of some girl, all lavender and rose, he still remembers how the first time she walked by, the air was filled with cinnamon, and she laughed when he said her essence reminded him of Christmas.

iii. She thinks they had something. It wasn't love, but it wasn't nothing either. And perhaps it was just stolen glances in long corridors, and laughing a little too much at each other's ridiculous jokes. Perhaps it was just feeling shy at touching knees and pausing before breathing his name. And she knows that it wasn't love, but it could have been. She's sure at another time, in another place, it could have been.

iv. He could have loved her better, but back then he didn't even know how to love himself. He thinks she loved him back, but then again what is love to a girl who has nothing to lose? 

v. Sometimes she'd look at him and sometimes he'd look at her. Neither of them would ever say anything, but anyone could tell that they wanted to. He will always be her favorite "what if".

vi. He shouldn't have fallen for her. She told him. She told him she'd screw it up.

vii. It was messy and it was destructive and it broke her heart, and if someone asked her if she'd go back, she'd most likely say no. But, it was still beautiful while it lasted. And it is still the best love story she have ever had.

viii. He tasted like lust. She didn't listen when her best friend told her that he was poisonous and eventually kissing him started to hurt like hell.

ix. He thought it was strange that she didn't ask if he loved her back, as his fingers ran through her hair. And she sighed as his eyelashes brushed her cheeks. She thought it was strange that he could act with such affection when there was really nothing there. 

x. She just couldn't love him the way he wanted her to. Sometimes she thinks they lived in entirely different worlds. He used to take his coffee, black like the night, and she was much more "with milk and two of sugar". And there was nothing wrong with either but they clashed, as they did. Goodbyes don't always come from a lack of love. Maybe theirs just came from a lack of everything else.

xi. He kissed her like he meant it, but she was never quite sure if his closed-eye hunger was real or from practice.

xii. She started to see the way they broke each other and contorted each other to try to fit into standards they had set far too high. She tried to fix him but that wasn't her job. She loved him and it wasn't enough. 

xiii. They took it too seriously. They were making plans for twenty years in the future when both of them knew they wouldn't last. He said he was going to marry her. They were going to travel the world and live in an apartment with glass windows and three cats. And she knew it was a cliché but it was so addictive to think about it. And sometimes she believed it might actually happen.

xiv. He swore to God that she was everything he wanted, everything he needed. Then she saw him kissing her best friend. Maybe he didn't believe in God after all, and she shouldn't have believed him, either.

xv. People ask why he keeps looking for her in a crowded room. And he tells them he doesn't know why. But maybe it's because she was his light. And maybe he's tired of feeling blind. 

xvi. She hated him for doing that to her, for making her so guarded. She wanted to go back to when she was childish enough to think everyone had her best interests at heart and meant what they said. She hated that trusting people became so much harder. Why did he have to be the one to teach her how to hide? Why did he make her associate love with this?

xvii. He was the kind of boy who was so nice, that falling in love with him hardly felt like falling into a trap. He would smile and raise an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you're mad, again?" And she would shake her head. It'd never even occur to her that maybe there was a reason everything he did ended up hurting her.

xviii. She's sorry. She wishes she could have been more stable for him. She wishes she was not so impatient and tempestuous and cold. She wishes she was not so judgemental. 

xix. They weren't good for each other. It wasn't healthy to disagree on so much. They were so different, like opposite ends of the Earth; he was there but he felt so far away. And it didn't stop her from loving him, it just meant that she couldn't stay. He taught her that feelings can bring two people together, but differences can only drive them away.

xx. She loved him. She's sorry that he couldn't feel it. But more than that she's sorry for not holding him tighter. She should have said it louder than she did.

xxi. Sometimes he'd say, "talk to me, I want to know what you're thinking" and she'd try to explain. But after a while she realized he just wanted to know what she thought so he could shoot her down. So she stopped talking so much and he started complaining that she was getting too quiet.

xxii. They got drunk together. He told her he never wanted to be in a reationship. She didn't say anything. But she knew that she could've done something to change his mind. And she didn't.

xxiii. She kept hoping that maybe he'd get there on his own and that when he arrived she would be there ready to love him with everything she had. She would have waited a week, a month, even a year for him to figure it out. But then at some point she realized he wasn't ever going to get there and that maybe she should stop waiting. It was hard though, teaching herself to forget something she'd been looking forward to for so long. It felt like she was losing a part of herself even though it had never really belonged to her anyway.

xxiv. Sometimes she wonders if she have romanticised him into something he is not. Sometimes she managed to kid herself that she had him. Sometimes it really felt that way.

xxv. She left hoping he would stop her. He lost her because he never had the courage to ask her to stay.

—m.f. // Love stories without a happy ending