Fifteen was our number

i. Mom keeps asking about you. I don't have the heart to tell her you won't be around anymore. You were her favorite. I just told her you're busy.

ii. I miss your cat, even though I was allergic to it. I'm starting to think that I'm allergic to you as well because everytime I see you my eyes get wet.

iii. I threw the bear you gave me across the room and one of his button eyes fell off. I think that broke my heart more than you did. I can still smell your cologne on it. I hope it never goes away.

iv. Remember that shirt you gave me? I lied when I said I liked it. You lied when you said you had changed. I guess we both lied to each other just to make us happy. Even if it wasn't a real happiness.

v. I left lipstick prints on that Halloween's glass of yours. Please, don't wash it off. I like to think of it whispering, she was here, remember, she loved you, remember, even when you are doing all you can to forget. 

vi. I keep all the memories of us in a box. All the tickets, receipts and even the letters I never gave you. Sometimes I want to burn them, get rid of them. But I don't think that would make it any easier to forget you.

v. Relationships have never worked out for me. Commitments have never been exactly your thing. Somehow we wanted to be right for each other. Somehow we went wrong.

vi.  Remember that time I called you at 3 am? I'm sorry I was too drunk and you were the only person I wanted to talk to. But don't worry, it won't happen again. I deleted your number off my phone. I did it for myself.

vii. I should've opened my eyes. They told me I shouldn't love you. They told me you weren't good for me. But I wanted you to be. I wanted you to change. I wanted us to work. Maybe someday you'll become the person I want you to be.

viii. You only told me you loved me when your veins were filled with alcohol. Now mine are filled with thoughts of you. Nothing intoxicates me more than you.

ix. We were never calm, we loved so hard it almost felt like anger and I think that's why we always fought. 

x. I just wanted to fix you. Maybe that wasn't my job. Maybe you don't want to be fixed at all. 

xi. Today I deleted our conversation. It felt wrong. Everything feels wrong. I miss you.

xii. No, let me correct that, I miss the old you. I miss the old you that cared about me and the old you that would treat me so well. The old you that would talk to me every day and always have me smiling. I miss the old you that made me happy and knew what to say at any time. I miss the old us.

xiii. I wonder how you tell our story. I'm sure you don't talk about the pounding heartbeats or the sweaty palms. But I bet your hands can still trace the outline of my waist, the curve of my spine, the slope of my shoulder.

xiv. I remember you said my hands were always cold when you touched them. Now I can feel my heart getting cold too. Even though you never even touched it.

xv. Thank you for making me realize that I never want to be in that kind of relationship again. I'm so sorry for what we did to each other.

— m.f. // Fifteen was our number