2 am

Tonight I listened to a voice note 

you sent me nine months ago.

In it, you told me to go fuck myself.

I still remember that night.

I still remember those words 

coming out of your mouth so gracefully.

I remember wondering how 

someone so beautiful could be so cruel.

Seven months ago I called you at 2 am.

I expected you to ignore it, 

or to send me to voicemail.

Those were two of the things 

you were best at.

You answered 

and I felt my heart begin to race.

You probably thought 

it was because I missed you,

but in fact it was because 

I didn't expect you to answer,

and because I really had to pee.

I asked you how you were 

and you sat there quietly and confused.

It was like you forgot that I existed 

and that I was once a part of your life.

You told me "fine" and I smiled.

That was the last conversation we had.

I made sure to let go of you 

and every negative word that was said, 

in a peaceful way.

Fast forward seven months, 

and I still wonder how you are.

I still wonder how your family is 

and if you've seen any good movies lately.

If you ever heard me say this, 

you'd probably blush like you used to 

whenever I said something sweet.

You'd probably think 

I think these things because I still love you, 

that I still want you.

But that is not the case.

You see, 

a year ago I did anything to please you.

To make sure that you were happy 

before myself.

To make sure that I was the one 

causing your happiness.

But it is not a year ago.

It is now.

And now I simply remember you 

as a person I gave my soul to.

A person I told secrets to at 2 am 

and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.

A person I loved, yes.

But it is not a year ago.

It is now, 

and now I miss you.

I miss the way you called randomly 

just to ask how my day was.

I miss the way you seemed to care, 

even if you didn't.

I miss the friendship 

and the secrets 

and the stories.

And maybe one day things will be different.

Maybe you'll call me on a Wednesday afternoon 

and ask how my day was.

These are the things I think about 

before my eyes slowly close 

and I finally get to sleep.

But for now?

Go fuck yourself.

m.f. // 2 am