The nights like these

The nights like these 

are the ones

where I wrap my arms

around my knees

and wonder if

I could ever hold

myself together

as well as you do

when you pull me

close to you.

There are tears

dripping down 

my cheeks,

everything inside me 

goes cold,

my lungs struggle 

to remind themselves 

how to breathe.

The nights like these

are the ones

where I wish you had met me

in a different life,

one that maybe

I deserved to live.

I feel like anyone but me

would be better suited

to be yours.

The nights like these

are the ones

where I say 

'I love you'

and 'I'm sorry'

endlessly,

because sometimes 

they feel like 

the same thing.

I say them over

and over again.

I'm sorry I love you.

I love you;

I'm sorry.

I try not to think

of what this means.

The nights like these

are the ones

where you say it back,

no apology,

and I still can't help

but to wonder

how much longer

I have until 

you look at me

and see what I see.

The nights like these

are the ones

that hurt the most,

because I never know

how many I have left.

I hold my breath

during the pauses

in between your words.

I never know which

will be your last.

I never know

when you will 

stop coming back.

— m.f. //  The nights like these