Letter to my future daughter

I hope one day someone looks at you like he's been waiting a long time to feel as happy as he does when he's with you. I hope he tells you cute things like how he found this cosy Italian restaurant around the corner and kiss your nose before spinning you around in the street. I hope when you ask him to go for a walk in the middle of the night he doesn't complain that it's too late or too cold and even though you can see the condensation of your breath in the midnight air I hope you feel warm. I hope old ladies smile knowingly when you walk by, hand in hand, along the pavement and I hope you are smiling too.

When he whispers how much he loves you I hope you feel your heart beating so fast you're scared you'll never recover. I hope that when things get difficult he stays and makes you feel important, like he wants every part of it and isn't afraid to admit it. I hope he finds words that touch you where his fingers cannot and knows how to pull your hair when you're feeling electric but holds your soul when you're fragile like glass. And I hope you find someone who asks before he kisses you, not because he needs permission but because he wants to see your lips trembling. I hope his hands feel right around your waist when you reply 'yes' and again 'yes', until you're falling apart in his arms whispering 'yes, yes, yes' and I hope you never need to ask if he's the one because the answer will be staring at you in the face.

— m.f. // Letter to my future daughter

Letter to my ex #4

How are you? Are you feeling well? No, please don't cry. Sit up, get a glass of water, breathe. 

You always told me to do that when I panicked. I hope the tears have stopped and hope your heart is't aching anymore. Are you in love again? If so, does she make you happy? Of course she does, that was silly of me to ask. I hope she treats you right. No, I'm not talking about the butterflies. I'm talking about a beating heart and strong emotions. I hope she's everything you needed because I sure as hell wasn't. Have you found it again? Have you found yourself? You've always been a free soul and I hope life is taking you to new places. I told them that I hope you're happy, and I do. I hope you're happy and I hope you're doing well. I pray for you, every night. Does your car still give you problems? How's your mother? 

Are you all getting along? Smile at her, she loves you. Are your mornings still long? Does the color of coffee still remind you of my eyes? No? It looks like hers, right? The new shade of brown that envelops your mind. Do your parents love her? I hope so. Hopefully they don't make her feel like her love for you is too strong and too wrong. Do you still dream about me? Do I ever haunt you? Does the rain remind you of the days you held me while I cried waterfalls onto your chest? Can you walk into your living room without imaging us dancing in there at midnight? I'm in love, you know. He makes me so happy. I thought I would never be happy after you. He showed me how wrong I was. I think you would like him. In ten years, if I'm getting married, I hope you're in the crowd. I want to look out and see your smile. You won't have to say it, because I know you'll be thinking it. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I know you're glad I'm happy now. Yes, this could've been you. No, it's okay, it happened for a reason.

I hope you're doing well. 

I can't say much else these days. 

But I hope you're okay. 

Take care of yourself.

— m.f. // Letter to my ex #4

About him

Let me tell you about him, about how when I saw him standing there with his thick eyebrows and perfect smile - I knew I had to have him. I thought that I could feel myself falling through the floor for him. It was like he'd removed the atmosphere.

When I heard him laugh for the first time I felt myself unmake, an undescriptible moment where the universe stopped existing, where suddenly there was an explosion that never stopped expanding.

I figured I could never have him. Boys like that, and girls like me? We are tragedies. Our life together is over before it even exists. I lay awake, whispering what I would say to him, trying it out on the mirror. I told myself that it could never happen, and then pictured it happening anyway.

When he looked at me, the summer smiled at me too. We would get so close that our bodies almost touched, only for the moment to stop. This is how happiness must feel like, I thought.

We were staring into each other's eyes, our hands almost touching, he asked, "If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"

And I turned, keeping enough distance that he could pull away if he wanted to, feeling everything scream at me that I didn't deserve him. "I'll say if you do."

and I kissed him, finally, my hands shaking, the stars behind his head. It was like coming home again. It was the moment everything goes silent. It was the hush of the wind. It was magic. I stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing.

I looked down at him, at the boy I had fallen for, at what I had just ruined. I felt myself panic.

He grabbed me and pulled me closer, kissed me so deep I felt bells ring in my soul that had been silent for too long. He pulled back only a little to say, "I want this," his breath barely a whisper, his lips so pink they matched his blush and my heart racing so hard that I thought an earthquake was in my chest.

"this," he said, "and this, and this, and a forever of us together."

— m.f. // About him