Letter to my ex #4

How are you? Are you feeling well? No, please don't cry. Sit up, get a glass of water, breathe. 

You always told me to do that when I panicked. I hope the tears have stopped and hope your heart is't aching anymore. Are you in love again? If so, does she make you happy? Of course she does, that was silly of me to ask. I hope she treats you right. No, I'm not talking about the butterflies. I'm talking about a beating heart and strong emotions. I hope she's everything you needed because I sure as hell wasn't. Have you found it again? Have you found yourself? You've always been a free soul and I hope life is taking you to new places. I told them that I hope you're happy, and I do. I hope you're happy and I hope you're doing well. I pray for you, every night. Does your car still give you problems? How's your mother? 

Are you all getting along? Smile at her, she loves you. Are your mornings still long? Does the color of coffee still remind you of my eyes? No? It looks like hers, right? The new shade of brown that envelops your mind. Do your parents love her? I hope so. Hopefully they don't make her feel like her love for you is too strong and too wrong. Do you still dream about me? Do I ever haunt you? Does the rain remind you of the days you held me while I cried waterfalls onto your chest? Can you walk into your living room without imaging us dancing in there at midnight? I'm in love, you know. He makes me so happy. I thought I would never be happy after you. He showed me how wrong I was. I think you would like him. In ten years, if I'm getting married, I hope you're in the crowd. I want to look out and see your smile. You won't have to say it, because I know you'll be thinking it. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I know you're glad I'm happy now. Yes, this could've been you. No, it's okay, it happened for a reason.

I hope you're doing well. 

I can't say much else these days. 

But I hope you're okay. 

Take care of yourself.

— m.f. // Letter to my ex #4

About him

Let me tell you about him, about how when I saw him standing there with his thick eyebrows and perfect smile - I knew I had to have him. I thought that I could feel myself falling through the floor for him. It was like he'd removed the atmosphere.

When I heard him laugh for the first time I felt myself unmake, an undescriptible moment where the universe stopped existing, where suddenly there was an explosion that never stopped expanding.

I figured I could never have him. Boys like that, and girls like me? We are tragedies. Our life together is over before it even exists. I lay awake, whispering what I would say to him, trying it out on the mirror. I told myself that it could never happen, and then pictured it happening anyway.

When he looked at me, the summer smiled at me too. We would get so close that our bodies almost touched, only for the moment to stop. This is how happiness must feel like, I thought.

We were staring into each other's eyes, our hands almost touching, he asked, "If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"

And I turned, keeping enough distance that he could pull away if he wanted to, feeling everything scream at me that I didn't deserve him. "I'll say if you do."

and I kissed him, finally, my hands shaking, the stars behind his head. It was like coming home again. It was the moment everything goes silent. It was the hush of the wind. It was magic. I stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing.

I looked down at him, at the boy I had fallen for, at what I had just ruined. I felt myself panic.

He grabbed me and pulled me closer, kissed me so deep I felt bells ring in my soul that had been silent for too long. He pulled back only a little to say, "I want this," his breath barely a whisper, his lips so pink they matched his blush and my heart racing so hard that I thought an earthquake was in my chest.

"this," he said, "and this, and this, and a forever of us together."

— m.f. // About him

Bienvenido a mi mundo

No soy alguien común. Bajo mi propia forma de entender las cosas, veo que puedo ser lo que sea que me proponga. Generalmente tiendo a ser muy positiva con las cosas que pasan en mi vida, total “todo pasa por algo”, pero a medida que corre el tiempo, se me acaban los suspiros. Uno, dos, tres y cuatro, segundos que nunca recuperaré; pero mientras escribo, pienso en ti, en el color de tus ojos, en tu sonrisa, en tu cabello despeinado debajo de esa gorra, en cada una de tus hermosas palabras y en esas carcajadas que dejan sordos hasta a los vecinos, esas mismas que me hacen morir de risa porque se contagian. Siento que no soy la misma de antes, la que pretendía serlo todo; no, me he convertido en alguien más desde que llegaste a mí. Quiero ser parte de tu vida, quiero compartir mis sueños contigo, que los tuyos también los puedas compartir conmigo, que seamos capaces de cumplirlos juntos. Puedo no ser alguien común, pero puedo ser la que come con la boca cerrada y escucha con la mente abierta. Bienvenido a mi mundo, bienvenido a mí.

— m.f. // Bienvenido a mi mundo